The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
