you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
