oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I wish i was in the wii world.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
