We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
