isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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