my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
