my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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