we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
