tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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