I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
