last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
