Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize