Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
