I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
