I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
