I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I want to make a zoo with you.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Alive.
So much puke
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize