I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
