if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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