Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
