i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I wish life had little blips of pornography
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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