I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
