If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
