insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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