she woke up with a sticky ear
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
my being single is dangerous.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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