just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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