I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
