So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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