For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
