You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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