Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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