New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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