i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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