wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
