bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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