either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
this hospital has no fireball
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
