You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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