I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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