I'm so fucking centered right now
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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