I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
