I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
