It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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