Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
