i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
