My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
