Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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