I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
