How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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