I think I won the penis lottery.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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