Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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