Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
