tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
