I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
How does one acquire holy water?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
