I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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