I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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