sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
