I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
if only i could text you this smell
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Randomize
