2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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