I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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