I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
